


Harry Potter's Cattarrh Pastilles

by accio_arse



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Grumpiness, the common cold
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-10
Updated: 2012-02-10
Packaged: 2017-10-30 22:04:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/336639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/accio_arse/pseuds/accio_arse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>These really exist in the UK and are very useful things indeed.</p></blockquote>





	Harry Potter's Cattarrh Pastilles

Sixteen long years in the Hogwarts dungeons, surround by snivelling kids… literally snivelling, in fact. 

 

Every new term, without fail, Severus had picked up a foul head cold from one or other of the filthy, scumspawn dunderheads. It made him shudder just to think about breathing in the same air as their snotty little coughs and sneezes, or having to touch the essays that they’d been pawing over with their hideous childish infections. Ugh.

 

The whole experience had left him with both a horror of pocket handkerchiefs and more or less permanent catarrh. Well, he wasn’t a Potions Master for nothing, so he concocted his own recipe for pastilles. The final recipe ejected the phlegm most efficiently from the left nostril upon thirty seconds of ingestion.

 

Hmm… he wondered if there was a market for such things. Unfortunately his name was mud after that pesky business with Dumbledore. Honestly, one little murder and you’re suddenly Black the Ripper… well, perhaps more than one murder if you counted Muggles.

 

Now, what would be a good pseudonym to go under… Whose name was sickeningly adored by all of wizardkind? Of course…

 

Three months later he received the first box back from ‘Cough-U-Stop, Wizarding Remedies for the Terminally Mucus-Bound’. He found himself disappointed that they hadn’t taken his advice. A dignified Roman nose on stylish dark packaging would have been apt and distinguished. Well, they’d better make him lots of galleons, that’s all.

 

With a snort, he banished “Potter’s Catarrh Pastilles” so hard that they ricocheted off two walls before dropping to the floor with a rattle. As the box lay there, resplendent in Gryffindor scarlet and gold, the lion on the front caught the Golden Snitch zooming around his head, settled down on his haunches and with a roar, started to gnaw the wings off.

 

At least there’s one silver lining, reflected Severus. There’s no chance of the Dark Lord finding out about my little venture. He doesn’t have enough nose left for catarrh of any sort to settle in. Severus gave a huge, cavity-rattling sniff. That Dark Lord, he thought - there's one lucky bastard.

**Author's Note:**

> These really exist in the UK and are very useful things indeed.


End file.
